


I Still Reach For You

by elivigar



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Romance, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:07:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26683423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elivigar/pseuds/elivigar
Summary: “This,” Calum says, gesturing between himself and Ashton. “Us. This thing we’re doing.”Ashton’s heart rate picks up, and he takes a deep breath before answering. “What, you’re breaking up with me?”“We’re not together, Ashton,” Calum says, smiling crookedly. “We’re fucking. We’ve been fucking for over two and a half years. Since the show in Bangkok on theSounds Live Feels Live-tour, actually.”In which Calum breaks off the FWB-arrangement he and Ashton have had for the last two and a half years, and neither of them cope with it particularly well.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Calum Hood/Original Male Character(s), Michael Clifford/Crystal Leigh, Sierra Deaton/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 7
Kudos: 83





	I Still Reach For You

**Author's Note:**

> This pretty vague and basic idea came to me yesterday afternoon, and it kinda just ran away with me (but what else is new?). I was originally gravitating towards Lashton (cos when am I not), but decided eventually that Cashton was a better fit (in my mind anyway). I was also originally gonna write it from Calum's POV, but I realised that I always tend to write fics from... well, in an attempt at not spoiling anything, let's just say that I always write from _that_ person's POV when dealing with these kinds of plots, and I wanted to mix it up a little. Plus I had yet to write anything from Ashton's POV, so there we go! Anyway, while this is a non-AU, dates and stuff mostly don't line up with real life, sorry about that if that's something that's important to anyone. It's also only the second non-AU I've ever written, in any fandom, and I gotta say, it was pretty damn enjoyable, so I'll probably do it again sooner or later!
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy, and tysm for reading!♥ [Come talk to me on Tumblr if you wanna](http://ashtcnirwin.tumblr.com) (Title is obviously from _Want You Back_!)

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°November 19th 2018°。°。゜。°。°。°**

“I think we should stop.”

Ashton stills with his underwear pulled halfway up his thighs. Calum’s sat up on the bed, legs bent in front of him, lower arms resting on his thighs. His hair’s messy from Ashton having pulled at it for a better part of the last half hour, and his cheeks are flushed and his eyes glassy.

“Stop what?” Ashton says as he pulls his boxers all the way up and reaches for his joggers on the floor.

“This whole… thing,” Calum says.

“What?” Ashton asks, staring at Calum. “The band?”

“No!” Calum says as he lets out a curt laugh. “Of course not the band. Jesus Christ, you think this is how I’d announce it if I wanted the band to call it quits?”

“Well, how am I supposed to know?” Ashton asks. Finishing getting dressed, he sits down at the edge of the bed, and gives Calum’s thigh a gentle poke. “What did you mean, then?”

“This,” Calum says, gesturing between himself and Ashton. “Us. This thing we’re doing.”

Ashton’s heart rate picks up, and he takes a deep breath before answering. “What, you’re breaking up with me?”

“We’re not together, Ashton,” Calum says, smiling crookedly. “We’re fucking. We’ve been fucking for over two and a half years. Since the show in Bangkok on the _Sounds Live Feels Live_ -tour, actually.”

“Still feels like you’re dumping me, if you wanna stop,” Ashton says dryly. He remembers that night like it was yesterday. It was a great show and he and Calum had both been on an adrenaline high from it, unable to calm down even after they arrived at the hotel. They bounced around each other, all up in each other’s spaces, until Ashton wound up pushing Calum against the wall and pressing a hard kiss to his lips. He remembers Calum’s shocked expression, which then morphed into one of wonder before he pulled Ashton in by the shoulders for another kiss.

That was the first of countless times that they had sex after a show. At some point during the North American leg of the tour, it started happening on their days off as well, and before Ashton knew it, he and Calum had decided that a friends with benefits-arrangement was a solid idea. And it was, really; they had someone to get off with whenever they both felt like it and couldn’t be bothered going out to pull, and as time went on, the sex came to be the best Ashton had ever had.

“I just think it’s for the best,” Calum says, effectively pulling Ashton out of his trip down memory lane. “We’d have to stop sooner or later. This tour’s officially over, we’re heading home to LA tomorrow and we have some time off now and I think I wanna start actually… dating a bit since I’ve never really done that, and the idea of seeing someone while I’m fucking you feels wrong. And I reckon we might as well stop while we’re ahead and have this… thing under control.”

Combing his fingers through his hair, Ashton nods slowly. “Okay,” he says. “I mean, I don’t necessarily agree, I think we’re handling the arrangement just fine, and I love fucking you and don’t really wanna stop, but if it’s what you want…”

“It is,” Calum says. His eyes crinkle up as he smiles at Ashton. “It’s been fun, though.”

“A lot of fun. I’m gonna miss it.”

They look at each other, and Ashton’s chest feels a wee bit tighter than usual as he breathes. There’s a sense of loss weighing him down, an almost cold hint of nostalgia seeping into his veins, as he gazes into Calum’s eternally warm eyes. Soon, someone else is gonna be the lucky spectator of a post-coital Calum, and it aches a little, because it’s a beautiful sight to behold and Ashton’s gonna miss it almost as much as the sex itself.

“Okay, well,” Ashton says as he stands up. “I’m gonna go to my room, then. See you tomorrow morning?”

“Bright and early,” Calum says with a nod. “Goodnight, Ash.”

“Yeah. Night, Cal,” Ashton says. As he walks out of Calum’s room and two doors down the hall to his own, he thinks to himself that it feels like he just bid Calum goodbye rather than good night.

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°December 12th 2018°。°。゜。°。°。°**

“Ash? You home?”

Ashton looks up from his laptop and turns his head just in time to see Luke step into the living room, closely followed by Petunia.

“Dunno why you insist on bringing that beast whenever you come over,” Ashton says as Petunia jumps up on the couch and sticks her snout halfway into Ashton’s ear. Snorting, he pushes her away gently and gives her a few scratches on the head.

“‘Cause Sierra’s not home and she hates being alone,” Luke says as he joins Ashton and Petunia on the couch.

“Uh-huh, and that’s the reason every time you come over?”

Luke shrugs. “She likes you, and I don’t wanna deprive her of anything she finds joy in.”

“How sweet of you.”

“I think so, yeah. Sorry to just barge in, but I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Closing his laptop and setting it aside, Ashton turns to face Luke properly. “Okay. Is there something wrong?”

“I don’t know, I was hoping you could tell me,” Luke says. Stroking Petunia’s back absentmindedly, he chews on his bottom lip. “I was at Cal’s last night, and… I don’t know. He seemed a little off. Quieter than normal, I guess.”

“Oh,” Ashton says, somewhat surprised. “Okay. Go on.”

“I know you two have that arrangement, so I thought maybe he’d spoken to you about whatever it is?”

“Oh,” Ashton says again, though this time it comes out hollow. “Yeah, no, we stopped that.”

Luke frowns. “What? When? And why?”

“In Madrid, after the last show,” Ashton says. Standing up, he adds, “Want some coffee?”

“Yeah, sure,” Luke says, still frowning.

Heading to the kitchen, Ashton feels Luke’s eyes on him, and he knows he’s not off the hook. When he and Calum first started sleeping together, they tried to keep it a secret from Luke and Michael. But as time went on, and they had to come up with one excuse after the other and try to explain the occasional love bite with increasingly ridiculous stories, they gave up and came clean. Neither Luke nor Michael were happy about the situation, but they accepted it after having made Ashton and Calum promise that if things went to shit, it wouldn’t affect the band.

Handing Luke a steaming cup of coffee, Ashton sits back down and has a careful sip of his own.

“So, you told me the ‘where’ and the ‘when’, wanna tell me the ‘why’, too?” Luke asks, cradling the mug with both hands.

Ashton shrugs his shoulders. “He said we should end it while we were still ahead. Don’t know what he meant by that, I didn’t ask,” he says. Hesitating for a moment, he continues, “And he said he wanted to start dating and that he wouldn’t feel right doing that while still sleeping with me.”

“Makes sense,” Luke says while eyeing Ashton pensively. “And how are you dealing with it?”

“I’m fine, I guess,” Ashton says after a beat of silence. “I miss the sex, miss having someone sleep next to on occasion, but otherwise I’m okay.”

“You… you miss sex and a bed companion, or you miss sex with _Calum_ and having _Calum_ as a bed companion?” Luke asks. Before Ashton can even consider how to respond, Luke continues, “Because if it’s the former, can’t you just go out and find someone else to have sex with and sleep next to? Shouldn’t be too hard, I think.”

Ashton narrows his eyes ever so slightly. “Are you trying to imply something? Because I’d really rather you just come out with it.”

Luke smiles, but it’s less joyful than it’s filled with pity. “I’ve never put my nose into that whole thing that you’re- that you _were_ doing, but to be honest I never understood how you could just… have sex on a regular basis, spend so much time together while we’re working _and_ when we have time off, and never develop any feelings for each other whatsoever. It always struck me as odd.”

“Not everyone’s as ridden with emotions as you are, you know,” Ashton laughs.

“I’m not _ridden_ with emotions, I’m just… in touch with the ones I do have,” Luke argues. Ashton laughs again, but doesn’t say anything, and Luke sighs. “Okay, so you don’t know if something’s up with Cal, then?”

“No, sorry,” Ashton says.

Luke hums. “Maybe he was seeing someone and it went south for whatever reason.”

Ashton makes a face. “Don’t you think he’d have told us if he was?” he asks, maybe a little more defensive than strictly necessary.

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“I’ll give him a ring later and ask him, okay?”

“He just said everything was fine when I asked,” Luke says.

“Yeah, well, maybe he’ll talk to me. I may not be fucking him anymore, but I did see him naked on a regular basis for more than two and a half years, so I reckon that’s gotta count for something.”

“We’ve all seen him naked on a regular basis for the last _seven_ years,” Luke says dryly. “Not a hint of shame in that one.”

Ashton rolls his eyes. “Slightly different situations, Luke, unless there’s something I don’t know about.”

“Oh, yeah, Michael and I have been fucking Calum, too.”

“Great. Wanna compare notes, then?”

Luke bids his goodbyes when it’s starting to get dark outside, and the moment he’s out the door, Ashton reaches for his phone and dials Calum’s number. It rings a number of times before Calum picks up with a soft, “ _Hey, Ash._ ”

“Hey,” Ashton says as he curls his legs up underneath himself. “What’s up?”

“ _Not a lot. Tried to get some writing done, but it all came out crap, so I gave up,_ ” Calum says. Ashton understands what Luke meant when he said Calum seemed _off_ ; he can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but it’s something, and it makes Ashton’s stomach curl.

“Can’t always get it right,” Ashton says, to which he merely gets a hum in response. “So… how are you doing? I haven’t really spoken to you since the tour ended. I came over once last week, but you weren’t home. Or, didn’t answer your door or your phone, anyway.”

“ _I’m okay,_ ” Calum says. “ _And yeah, sorry about that, I was busy. Didn’t see the missed call or your text until later._ ”

“Yeah, no problem, I get it,” Ashton says. Licking his lips, he clears his throat. “You sure you’re okay?”

Calum goes quiet for a few seconds. “ _Have you been talking to Luke?_ ”

Ashton closes his eyes, and huffs out a breath. “Yeah. He came over earlier because he was worried about you.”

“ _Jesus Christ,_ ” Calum says with a quiet chuckle. “ _I’m fine. Just a little restless, I suppose._ ”

“Right. Yeah. Wanna do something soon?”

“ _Like what?_ ”

“Dunno. Just hang, watch a movie and eat too much popcorn or something? Or we could go out, if you want?”

“ _Yeah, sure,_ ” Calum says. “ _Look, I’ve gotta go, Duke’s chewing on my shoe._ ”

Ashton frowns, thinks that Calum hardly needs to get off the phone to save his shoe. He doesn’t comment on it, though, just says, “Talk to you later?”, to which Calum says, “ _Yeah_ ”, and then the line goes dead.

Lowering his arm and dropping the phone on the couch, Ashton looks at nothing in particular as his thoughts race. It’s clear as day to him (and to Luke, apparently) that something’s going on with Calum, and it’s not like it’s the first time since the band’s formation that a member’s bothered by something. It is, however, the first time Ashton can recall said member possessing a complete unwillingness to talk about whatever it is, and he has no idea how to deal with it. Should he keep pushing, or should he leave it until Calum either relents or manages to work through whatever it is?

In the end, he picks his phone back up and shoots a text to Michael, asking if _he_ knows something. He gets a response after a few minutes.

‘ _Don’t worry about it, he’s gonna be fine!_ ’ it says. 

Ironically, all the reassurance does is make Ashton worry even more, because what on earth is going on with Calum that he’s willing to share with Michael, but not with Luke or Ashton? Fair enough that he’s known Calum the longest, but after all the years they’ve spent in each other’s pockets, Ashton didn’t think it mattered much. Maybe it does, though, and the thought leaves him with an all-encompassing feeling of gloominess that persists until he goes to bed.

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°January 2nd 2019°。°。゜。°。°。°**

Ashton groans as he drags his hands over his face. He’s lying on the floor in the studio, and he’s just about had it with this entire day. “Stop trying to make a song about those fucking boots happen, Luke,” he says, staring up at the ceiling.

Luke, who’s lying next to Ashton, harrumphs. “Well, why not? Aren’t we allowed to have a goofy song on the album?”

“We’re _allowed_ to, but that doesn’t mean we _should_ ,” Michael says from where he’s sitting on the floor, back leaned against the wall, with a notebook in his lap.

“Yeah, sorry, Luke, but I’m siding with Michael and Ash on this one,” Calum chimes in. He’s seated in an armchair in the corner of the room, and as soon as the words are out of his mouth, he lets out a languid yawn.

“Fine, okay, whatever,” Luke says dully. “Should we call it a day? I’m beat, and I don’t think we’re gonna get anything more done today.”

“When do we ever get anything done when we all meet up?” Ashton asks as he sits up and stretches. “We work better in pairs, let’s face it.”

“Which is why it was _supposed_ to be me and Michael, and you and Cal today, but then someone-” Luke throws a pointed glance at Calum “-decided they wanted to try writing as a foursome.”

“Forgive me for wanting to give it a go,” Calum says. He rises from the chair and rubs his eyes as he stifles another yawn. He looks cute, Ashton reckons, all sleepy and slightly cranky. It reminds Ashton of one of their days off on the last tour when they’d spent all day in bed together, watching crappy TV, ordering room service and feeling slightly guilty about ditching Michael and Luke, in between exchanging orgasms. Granted, Calum was naked that day and he’s fully clothed now, but he has the same ruffled look about him.

“Hello? Earth to Ashton?”

Ashton blinks twice to clear his head, only to realise that all three of his band members are looking at him. Luke is frowning, Michael’s smiling, and Calum looks thoughtful.

“What?” he asks when none of them say anything.

“You were staring at Cal,” Michael says. “Zoned completely out.”

“Sorry,” Ashton says as he stands up with a grunt of pain at the stiffness in his knees. “I’m too old to spend hours on the damned floor. Did we agree to go home for the day?”

“Yeah,” Calum says. “We’re meeting up in pairs tomorrow. You and Luke, me and Michael.”

“What? Why am I with Luke?” Ashton asks as he follows the other three out the door.

Luke snorts. “Thanks, Ash, your love for and appreciation of my persona is touching.”

“No, that’s not-” Ashton cuts himself off and gives Luke’s shoulder a shove. “I just meant, it was supposed to be me and Cal, and you and Michael today, so why don’t we do that tomorrow instead?”

“‘Cause I requested Cal for tomorrow,” Michael says.

“I love being in such high demand,” Calum says as he turns his nose up and sniffs.

Ashton smiles as he steps past Luke to walk side by side with Calum. “Narcissist,” he says as he bumps his shoulder into Calum’s.

“You know me,” Calum says, grinning.

“Yeah, I do,” Ashton says, low enough that only Calum can hear it. Calum doesn’t reply, just looks at him as his grin falters and is replaced by a barely-there smile.

They all part ways in the parking lot, getting into their respective cars and driving off. Ashton arrives at his house a little before ten o’clock, and despite the relatively early hour, his head is throbbing and his back’s aching, so he goes to bed without bothering with either dinner or a shower. The bedroom window has been open all day, and the sheets are cool and smooth against his naked body as he slides under them. Flicking off the lamp on his bedside table, Ashton closes his eyes.

Not for the first time when he’s alone in bed and tries to fall asleep, Ashton finds himself missing another human presence next to him. To be able to reach out and feel warm skin under his fingertips, to have a shoulder to press his face into, to have a chest to press mindless kisses to as exhaustion slowly overcomes his body. It’s comforting, Ashton thinks, in a way that an empty bed never could be. He hasn’t shared a bed with anyone since a couple of weeks before he and Calum called it quits, so that’s almost two months of cold sheets and no one to touch.

As he lies there, he recalls his conversation with Luke last month. Luke was right when he said that Ashton could just go out and find someone to take home with him for the night, but the thought makes him squirm. He doesn’t want a stranger next to him, who he knows nothing about and who knows nothing about him. He wants someone familiar and safe, someone who wants to tell him their thoughts on everything and nothing, someone who knows his innermost feelings, insecurities and issues, and still chooses to spend the night with him.

It’s almost a reflex when he reaches for his phone on the nightstand, unlocks it and dials Calum’s number, and when Calum picks up and says, “ _Ash?_ ”, Ashton smiles weakly for no one to see.

“Hey,” he says.

“ _Hey,_ ” Calum says back. “ _What… I mean, why are you calling?_ ”

“Dunno,” Ashton says as he turns over to lie on his side.

“ _Okay..._ ”

Ashton chuckles. “Sorry.”

“ _No, it’s fine,_ ” Calum says quickly. “ _Is everything okay? You don’t usually call for no reason._ ”

“No, I guess not.” Sighing quietly, he pulls the covers higher up on his chest. “How’s the whole dating-thing going?”

“ _Uhm… it’s going okay. I’ve been on a few dates with this one guy._ ”

Ashton feels his heart skip a beat, and he opens his eyes. “Oh,” he says after a moment of silence. “Is… is it serious?”

“ _Not yet, but it might be, eventually. I don’t know._ ”

“Right.” Ashton swallows. “You fucked him yet?”

“ _What?_ ” Calum snorts. “ _How’s that any of your business?_ ”

“I’m curious. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our band has a bit of a problem with oversharing.”

“ _Uhm… yeah, but… okay._ ” Silent beat. “ _Yeah. A couple of times._ ”

Ashton clenches his jaw at that, and exhales slowly. “Great. Good for you.” Before he can bite his tongue, another question tumbles out of his mouth: “Is he better than me?”

“ _Jesus Christ, I’m not gonna answer that._ ”

“Why?” Ashton asks, voice a little sharper than before. “Because if the answer’s yes, you’re gonna make me feel bad, and if the answer’s no, you’re basically saying your boyfriend’s bad in bed?”

“ _That’s not- he’s not my boyfriend yet. And I’ve slept with him_ twice _, while I’ve slept with you more times than I can count,_ ” Calum says.

“What’s that got to do with-” A smile slowly forms on Ashton’s lips when the realisation hits him. “Ah, so that’s a no - he’s not better than me.”

“ _Yet_ ,” Calum bites. “ _I’ll give you an update when I’ve been sleeping with him for two and a half years._ ”

The smile vanishes from Ashton’s face at that, and he swallows again, a little thicker this time. “You’re still gonna be seeing him in two and a half years?”

“ _I don’t know. Why do you care so much?_ ”

“I don’t,” Ashton says. It’s a lie, one so blatant that he’s convinced Calum can hear it; he does care, because there’s a painful throb in his chest, and he’s well enough acquainted with his own emotions that he recognises said throb as a sign of him being hurt. Calum’s fucking someone else, and it’s hurting Ashton, because not long ago, it was he who had Calum writhing and moaning underneath him, in front of him or on top of him, and it was he who had a sweaty, sated and pliant Calum in his arms afterwards. Now someone else has been granted those privileges, someone Ashton doesn’t even know the name of, and it fucking _hurts_.

“ _Okay, good,_ ” Calum says. There’s a sound that sounds like a shaky breath is being released, then: “ _You had your chance, Ash, and you didn’t take it, so you’re not allowed to be mad at me for moving on._ ”

He hangs up without giving Ashton time to take the words in. Ashton remains frozen for a long time, phone plastered to his ear, before he finds the presence of mind to move. Putting the phone back on the nightstand, he flops down on his back and looks up at the dark ceiling.

Sleep doesn’t come to him until it’s nearly four in the morning.

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°January 30th 2019°。°。゜。°。°。°**

Ashton wakes up to the sound of heavy rain drumming against the windows. Opening his eyes, it takes him a second to recall why he’s not at home, and why his arm’s draped over a warm, albeit clothed, back. He’s in one of Calum’s guest bedrooms, and the back belongs to Luke. Slowly withdrawing his arm, he shifts a couple of inches back and rubs his eyes.

As he works on getting his mind to wake up, Luke stirs next to him.

“‘S been a while since we’ve shared a bed,” is Luke’s morning greeting, voice sleep-ridden as he turns over on his side to look at Ashton. “Forgot how clingy you are in your sleep. You woke me up twice by force-cuddling me, damn near squeezed my lungs out once.”

“Sorry,” Ashton says through a yawn.

Luke makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. “‘S fine. You wanna tell me what you were so pissy about last night, though?”

Ashton raises his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“Last night,” Luke says pointedly. “Remember? We were all having a good time with Crystal and Cal’s kinda-boyfriend, and you were acting like a complete pill all night?”

“I wasn’t acting like a pill,” Ashton says. “I’m not allowed to be tired?”

“Sure, except you only became ‘tired’ when Oliver showed up,” Luke says soberly. “You were in a good mood until then. Not to mention how you barely spoke to the guy all night, even when he addressed you directly.”

Ashton rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well, maybe I didn’t like him.”

“What’s not to like about him?” Luke asks as he props himself up on his elbow. “He’s nice, funny, intelligent, completely head over heels for Cal by the looks of it…”

“Okay, he’s the greatest guy on planet earth; happy?” Crawling out of bed, Ashton locates his jeans and jumper on the floor next to the bed and puts them on. “I’m gonna go find some breakfast. Want me to make you some?”

“Yeah, sure,” Luke says. He waits until Ashton’s by the door before he speaks up again, this time in a soft tone. “I’m not gonna get involved in this, Ash, but if you wanted something more with Calum, you probably should’ve told him when you had the chance. It’s not fair to either him or Oliver that you take your jealousy or whatever this is out on them just because you couldn’t be assed to open your mouth.”

Ashton stills with his hand on the door handle. Biting his lip, he shakes his head and says, “I don’t… want something more with him.”

“You’re full of crap, but for what it’s worth, I think he’d break it off with Oliver in a heartbeat if he could have you instead.”

Closing his eyes, Ashton grits his teeth. “It doesn’t matter,” he says before he opens the door and walks away before Luke can say another word. The kitchen’s blessedly empty, and Ashton gets the coffee maker running before he grabs eggs and milk from the fridge and starts making scrambled eggs. He has no idea how many people he’s supposed to be cooking for, doesn’t know who’s still in the house, so he cracks no less than twelve eggs into a bowl, just to be sure.

As he stands there, stirring the eggs around in the frying pan, the sound of footsteps behind him makes him look up. Calum’s just walked in, wearing pyjama bottoms and nothing else, and he hums happily at the sight of the eggs. 

“Good morning,” he says.

Ashton can’t help but smile at the sight of Calum, face and hair rumpled with sleep. “Morning. There’s coffee on the can.”  
“Thank God,” Calum murmurs as he pads past Ashton and grabs a mug from the cupboard.

Ashton’s about to make a lame joke about his name being Ashton, not God, when his eyes fall on the side of Calum’s neck. Partly obscured from view by his hair, but still visible, is a dark red mark. Shifting his gaze back to the frying pan, Ashton presses his lips tightly together as a hot burst of anger echoes in his head.

“I take it Oliver stayed over,” he says eventually.

“Hm?” Calum hums through a mouthful of coffee.

“Your neck,” Ashton says. “It looks like it belongs to a hormonal fourteen-year-old.”

“Excuse me?” Calum says incredulously. “Since when do you have a problem with lovebites? Not to be the one to drag up the past, but you used to leave them on me all the time.”

“What?”

Ashton spins around, only to be met by the sight of a wide-eyed Oliver standing in the doorway leading into the kitchen. No one says anything, and Oliver looks back and forth between Calum and Ashton.

“You… you two used to be a thing?” Oliver asks eventually, and his eyebrows are drawing together in what to Ashton looks like an angry grimace.

“Shit,” Ashton mumbles under his breath. “You know what, I should go. Eggs are done soon, so just… don’t let them burn.” Not waiting for either of them to speak, he speed walks out of the kitchen and heads to the entrance hall, where he finds his shoes and coat, puts them on, then all but runs out of the house.

He’s drenched by the time he makes it home, despite it being a short walk, and he jumps straight in the shower. He closes his eyes as the scalding water falls over him, hands pressed flat against the tiled wall. Something akin to guilt has settled deep inside him, knowing that he was partly responsible for causing problems with Calum and his… boyfriend. Wrapped around the guilt, however, is a feeling of relief that Ashton tries his best, but doesn’t quite manage to push away. It tightens around the guilt, squeezing and squeezing until the guilt evaporates, and left is nothing but a sick sense of joy.

The living room is semi-dark when he emerges from the bathroom, clothed and mostly dry, and he goes about flicking on the lights. Heading to the kitchen to make coffee, Ashton revels in the sound of rain drumming against the large windows, and the dim daylight that comes with it is a nice bonus.

“Ash! Where the _fuck_ are you?”

Jumping at the sudden noise, Ashton spins around, coffee maker forgotten. He hears stomping footsteps come up the stairs, and then Calum’s in his eyesight. A very, very angry Calum, by the looks of it.

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” Calum demands as he all but stomps over to where Ashton’s standing, only stopping when there’s barely any space left between them.

“Excuse me?” Ashton says, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, don’t give me that!” Calum shouts. “Thanks to you, Oliver now knows about you and me, and guess fucking _what_?! He’s not a big fan of the idea! Actually, he was so damn unhappy about it that he broke up with me!”

“Real fucking sorry about that, Cal, but how is it my fault?!”

“You’re the one who brought up our past, which he then overheard!”

Ashton scoffs. “No, it wasn’t,” he says through clenched teeth. “I mentioned your fucking lovebite, and then _you_ went ahead and brought up our past!”

Throwing his hands up in the hair, Calum laughs, and it’s a cold, scathing sound. “Guess that makes it all okay, then!”

“Guess it does!”

They glare at each other, and despite the anger and frustration, all Ashton can focus on is the fire in Calum’s eyes, the redness of his cheeks, and the way his lips are parted to give way for heavy puffs of breath. Maybe it’s just the novelty of the situation because he can’t recall having ever seen Calum properly angry before, but it’s a mesmerizing sight to behold nonetheless.

“You don’t get to do this,” Calum says eventually, and his voice is barely a whisper, laced with venom and fury. “You had your chance and you didn’t take it, so you _don’t_ get to go around and act like a dick to whoever I choose to date, or to me for choosing to date them.”

“Uh-huh, and do you mind explaining to me what you mean when you say that ‘I had my chance’?” Ashton spits back. “And what makes you think I ever even wanted a chance? Or that I wasn’t happy doing what we did until you had to go and fuck it all up because you wanted to _date_?”

Something inside Calum seems to shift at that. His shoulders slump, the fire in his eyes diminishes, and he ducks his head while raising his hands to place on Ashton’s pecs. Ashton stands completely still, breathing laboured, and waits for Calum to speak up.

“That’s just the thing, isn’t it?” he says eventually, and he sounds beaten down. Done. Broken. “You didn’t want me, not for more than one night here and one night there, while I… I wanted-”

“Oh, cool, you haven’t killed each other.”

They spring apart as if a ball of fire has been dropped between them. Straightening up and clearing his throat, Ashton lays eyes on Michael, Luke and Crystal, who are standing a few feet away. No one says a word, and the tension in the room is tangible.

“What is it with you people and just barging into my house whenever you feel like it?” Ashton asks after a bit. “Gotta get better at locking my door, apparently.” Turning to finish what he started with the coffee maker, he pays no attention to the several sets of eyes locked on him.

“Yeah, alright,” Michael says flatly. “Luke, Crys, can you deal with Cal, and I’ll deal with the stupid piece of shit otherwise known as our drummer?”

Ashton closes his eyes and shakes his head, but he doesn’t say anything. He hears Calum walk away, then Luke mumbling something, followed by something that sounds like a word of comfort from Crystal. When they’re gone, Ashton opens his eyes and turns around. Michael’s sat down on the kitchen counter, legs dangling, and he’s eyeing Ashton with a completely blank expression.

“So,” Michael says.

“So,” Ashton echoes. “Want coffee?”

“No. I want you to tell me what the fuck your problem is, and why you insist on doing everything in your power to make Cal miserable.”

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, Ashton rolls his eyes before he goes to sit by the dining table. “I don’t have a problem, and I’m not doing anything to make him miserable.”

“Yes, you do, and yes, you are, and I need you to stop,” Michael says. “Remember what you both promised me and Luke when you started that whole fucked up arrangement of yours?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Good. Then start acting on that promise, because at this rate, you and Cal aren’t gonna be talking to each other by the time _Easier_ drops, which is gonna make promo pretty fucking awkward.”

“Right,” Ashton says, chuckling quietly. “Promo. That’s what you’re worried about.”

Michael sighs audibly. “Among other things, yeah. I’m worried about you two as well, as individuals and as a… duo, because ever since that thing between you ended, you’ve been an ass fifty percent of the time I’ve spent with you, and Cal won’t stop moping for more than five minutes here and five minutes there.”

“Blame that on him,” Ashton says, tone clipped. “He’s the one who ended it, not me. I’d have been perfectly happy to carry on.”

“Wanna tell me why?”

“Why he ended it? He hasn’t told you?”

“No, I meant why you’d have been happy to carry on.”

Ashton makes a face. “I have no idea what you want me to say to that.”

“How about the fucking truth?”

“I- what?” Ashton shakes his head and laughs curtly. “Because we had good sex? Because it was easy and comfortable to have him around?”

“Good sex and easy access. Right. And during all that time, you never even mentioned having met someone, you never mentioned wanting to go on a date or shag someone else, you never mentioned wanting something more than casual sex. You were happy spending all your time with Cal during the day and spending the night with him up to three times a week.” Michael smiles weakly. “Right, right.”

Putting his coffee down on the table, Ashton folds his arms over his chest and crosses his legs. “You and Luke need to work on your communication skills,” he says. “Because this thing you both do where you’re clearly trying to imply something and just expect me to figure out what it is, is getting very old, very fast.”

“It’s not my job to explain your own fucking feelings to you, Ash,” Michael says as he jumps off the kitchen counter and straightens his jumper. “Do some soul searching and figure it out yourself.” Giving Ashton’s shoulder a squeeze, he walks out, leaving Ashton with a cup of lukewarm coffee and a mind that’s dead set on doing everything it can to beat him down.

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°February 20th 2019°。°。゜。°。°。°**

It’s late and Ashton’s exhausted and he doesn’t wanna move. He’s been lying on Luke and Sierra’s couch for the last two hours, buried under two thick blankets, while the TV drones on in the background. It’s draining, is the thing, to spend an entire day wringing the creative part of his brain in an attempt at coming up with songs, and he feels it in every nook and cranny of his body.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” he mumbles. “Don’t wanna go all the way home.”

“Ah, yes, all the way home,” Luke deadpans. “Ten whole minutes in the car.”

Ashton snuffles into the throw pillow under his head. “I’m comfortable here.”

Sierra laughs. “Of course you can stay.”

“Thanks. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.”

“Not oatmeal, right?” Luke asks.

“What do you want, then?”

“Pancakes?” Luke suggests hopefully. “And bacon?”

“Hm, okay. Bit of a heavy breakfast on a Thursday, but… sure.”

“I clearly went for the wrong band member,” Sierra says. “Luke never makes me breakfast, especially not anything that requires more than two minutes of effort.”

Luke makes an unhappy noise. “Fine, go shack up with him instead if that’s what you want. Petunia and I will be perfectly happy on our own.”

“Maybe I will,” Sierra says. 

Ashton can’t see them from his current position, but he hears them kiss, and he groans. “Stop being cute,” he says. “It’s disgusting.”

“One: You’re in our home, so we’ll be as cute as we want and you don’t get a say in it,” Luke says. “And two: Maybe you’d be less bitter about people being cute if you went out and found someone to be cute with yourself.”

“I don’t wanna be cute with anyone,” Ashton says. “I just wanna lie here and be comfortable.”

Luke snorts. “You are one miserable piece of shit these days, in case no one’s told you.”

Sierra mumbles something to Luke that Ashton doesn’t catch, and he lifts his head to look at her. “If you have something to say about me and my apparent misery, feel free to tell me,” he says.

Sierra regards him for a moment, then smiles. “I just told him to leave you be,” she says.

Lying back down, Ashton pulls the blankets up his chin. “Good. Listen to your girl, Luke.”

They fall into silence after that, and when the clock strikes midnight, Sierra bids them goodnight with a kiss to Luke’s lips and a gentle hand on Ashton’s shoulder. Ashton’s exhaustion has tilted into sleepiness, and he thinks to himself that he might just stay on the couch for the night instead of going to the guest bedroom.

“Luke?” he mumbles.

“Hm?”

“Have you… have you talked to Cal lately?”

Luke takes a moment to reply, and when he does, his voice has gone soft. “Yeah. He came over a couple of days ago.”

“Okay.” Ashton licks his lips, tries to think. He’s only seen Calum when they all have to meet up for band-related business since their fight last month, and they haven’t texted or called each other either, and it’s odd. They’re professional enough to put their issues aside during interviews, but as soon as the cameras are off and the interviewers have left, they hardly look at each other, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.

“He was on a date last week,” Luke says.

Ashton closes his eyes and nods jerkily. “Good for him.”

“I don’t think it was a big success. He said it was fine, but-”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you asked if I’d talked to him lately, and I assumed that meant you wanted an update on his life.”

“I don’t need one on his love life.”

“No. I guess you don’t.”

“Yeah.” Ashton’s mind is slowly getting foggier with sleep, but he’s still semi-conscious when the next four words spill over his lips: “I miss him, Luke.”

Luke doesn’t say anything for a long time. Shifting closer to Ashton, he puts a hand on his calf and thumbs gently at it through Ashton’s joggers. “You know it’s not too late, right?” he says. “If you want him back, all you have to do is talk to him.”

“Can’t get him back when I never had him in the first place,” Ashton mumbles.

“Maybe not officially, but… you did have him, whether you wanna admit it or not.”

Ashton swallows down the small lump that has formed in his throat. “I don’t even know what I want from him.”

“Then figure it out.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know, but give it a proper go, yeah? Put some thought into it,” Luke says. “I know it’s not my place to say, but he misses you, too, and I think all these dates he’s going on is just an attempt at getting over you.”

“Getting over me,” Ashton repeats, and his voice is nothing but a whisper. “There’s nothing to get over, though. He was the one who broke it off and we were just fuck buddies, nothing more.”

Luke lets out a sigh. “That’s not all it was, Ash. It went on for way too long for that to be all, and… I don’t have any experience with that kind of relationship, but I don’t think fuck buddies spend hours in bed talking and cuddling and kissing and sharing secrets after they’re done having sex. That’s intimate stuff, and it means something, even if it only happened on occasion.”

“How do you know we did any of that?”

“Because you told me, more than once,” Luke chuckles. “Always off-handed, I don’t think you gave it any thought when you did, but… yeah. You told me, and so did Cal.”

Ashton swallows again when the lump in his throat makes another appearance. “I’m tired. Is it okay if I just sleep here? Don’t wanna get up.”

“Yeah, sure.” With a final squeeze to Ashton’s calf, Luke gets up. Turning off the TV and the ceiling lights, he says, “Goodnight,” before he heads towards the bedroom.

Ashton’s asleep before Luke has even reached the bedroom, and if his dreams are filled with tan skin, familiar ghostly touches, and tender nothings being whispered into his ear, no one has to know.

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°February 27th 2019°。°。゜。°。°。°**

“I’m lonely.”

Ashton tastes the words, bites his lip, then tries again. “I am lonely.”

He’s sitting on the floor in the middle of his living room, soft rug underneath him, wearing only a pair of slack jeans. His hair is still damp from the shower he took an hour ago. The house is quiet, and it feels eerily empty, and Ashton doesn’t know if he’s ever felt so thoroughly alone in his entire life, despite Michael having left only an hour and a half ago. They got some writing done, declared themselves pleased with a bridge and a second verse, and it gave Ashton a sense of accomplishment there and then. But now, when he’s alone with nothing but heavy silence to keep him company, his thoughts are wandering and he’s powerless to make it stop.

Admitting out loud that he is, in fact, lonely does nothing for him but give him an urge to curl in on himself right there on the floor. Despite seeing his friends on a near daily basis, he’s really fucking lonely, and he wishes the solution was as easy as to simply start dating someone. But every time the thought even enters his mind, a wave of nausea hits him, one that makes him wanna squirm out of his skin, because he doesn’t _want_ to find someone to date. He just… he just wants Calum.

He lies down, stretched out full length on the rug, and he thinks. He thinks back on the last three years, tries to remember if there was ever a time where Calum wasn’t the center of his entire fucking existence. They hooked up so many times, and sometimes it was quick and over within ten minutes, other times it was rough and hard and lasted for an eternity while Calum begged Ashton to fuck him harder and to hold him down until his wrists were bruised. And a handful of times, it was slow and careful and intense, full of hazy shared glances, lazy kisses and desperate touches. As he lies there, reminiscing, it’s those times that stand out to Ashton the most; maybe because they were so few and far in between, and maybe because he’s never felt as close to anyone as he did to Calum on those nights.

A little hesitant, he reaches for his phone in his pocket and pulls up his contact list. With a grimace, he realises that the only people he’s called in the last two weeks are Luke and Michael. He has to scroll far down in his most recents before Calum’s name pops up. It’s silly, really, that a combination of five letters can have his stomach in tight knots, and how said knots increase in size when his thumb hovers over the call-button.

When he eventually gathers up the courage to press it, his hands are shaking, and he closes his eyes while waiting for Calum to pick up.

“ _Yeah?_ ” comes the response after a dozen or so rings.

“Hi,” Ashton says, and he hates how gruff it comes out. “What’s up?”

“ _I’m on my way out, so unless it’s something important, can it wait?_ ”

“No, it… it can’t,” Ashton says, swallowing.

“ _Okay. Come out with it, then._ ”

“Not on the phone,” Ashton says, because if he’s gonna do this, he needs to see Calum, needs to be able to see his every reaction. “Can you come over?”

“ _Like I said, I’m on my way out, so-_ ”

“Can’t it wait, whatever it is?”

“ _Cancelling a date on a fifteen minute notice is considered bad manners, I’m pretty sure, so no._ ”

Ashton exhales shakily and bites the inside of his cheek until he can taste blood. “Don’t- fuck. Please don’t go.”

It’s quiet for a moment, then: “ _What?_ ”

“Don’t go,” Ashton repeats. “On your… date. Please, Cal. I just- please don’t.”

Once again, Calum falls silent. Ashton can hear him breathe, how the pace of it picks up ever so slightly. “ _What’s this about, Ash?_ ” he asks.

“I wanna… I wanna talk,” Ashton says. “And I don’t wanna do it over the phone.”

“ _Right._ ” Silent beat. “ _Okay. Fine. I’ll be there soon._ ” And then he hangs up, and Ashton lowers his phone to the floor.

The ten or so minutes that it takes for Calum to arrive are the longest Ashton has ever lived through. He lies there, staring at his ceiling, bathed in the soft, orange glow from the few lights he’s bothered to turn on. His heart is hammering in his chest, almost painfully so, and his hands, cold and clammy, won’t stop shaking. It hits him, then, that he has no idea how to approach the topic at hand, has no idea how to even begin to describe his current state of mind to Calum.

It’s as he’s starting to panic the slightest bit that he hears his front door open, then close. Sitting up, he waits with bated breath as the sound of padded footsteps gets closer and closer. It’s both a blessing and a curse how good Calum looks, Ashton thinks; it’s a blessing because he does look unfairly good in a pair of tight, black slacks and a simple black t-shirt tucked into it, and it’s a curse because it’s not him that Calum’s dressed up for.

“Why are you on the floor?” is Calum’s greeting as he sits down on the back of the couch, heels pressed to the floor.

“No idea, just where I wound up,” Ashton says.

“Sounds healthy.”

“Yeah.”

Sighing, Calum rises to his feet, then promptly sits down facing Ashton, their legs aligned, but not touching. “You wanted to talk,” he says. “And I ditched my date to come here, so… talk.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Straightening his back, he pulls his knees up and leans his arms against them, dragging his fingers through his now almost dry hair. “I don’t… I don’t know how to do this. It’s… I’ve never done this before.”

“What, talking? Sorry to inform you, but you’re the most talkative person I know.”

“No, not-” Ashton clamps his mouth shut and shakes his head. “I don’t know how to talk about these kinds of things.”

“What’s this about, Ash?”

“You. And me.”

“There is no you and me anymore, not since November.”

“I know. And that’s… I don’t- I don’t like that.”

Calum closes his eyes and shakes his head once. “Don’t do this to me,” he says. “I can’t- _we_ can’t go back to the way things were, but I don’t- if you ask me to, I don’t know if I’ll be able to say no, so just… don’t ask me, please.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Ashton mumbles. He looks at his knees, at the coarse denim covering them, before raising his gaze to meet Calum’s. “Why did you break it off with me?”

“You know why,” Calum says. “I told you the reasons.”

“You told me we should get out while we were still ahead,” Ashton says. Running his tongue along the seam of his lips, he contemplates how to put his thoughts into words. “Was that… what did you mean by that? What did you mean by ‘ _still_ ’ ahead? Why would we suddenly not be ahead?”

A battle is going on in Calum’s head; Ashton can see it, clear as day, and he waits patiently for one side to win. “Do you really wanna do this?” Calum asks, pressing his lips together. “I can’t- if I tell you everything, I can’t take it back, and it could seriously mess everything up.”

“Dunno if you’ve noticed, but everything’s already messed up,” Ashton says with a weak attempt at a smile.

“Yeah, well, this could make it even worse, depending on how you take it.” There’s a small dent etched between Calum’s eyebrows, and his eyes carry more emotion than Ashton’s ever seen there before. And he waits for some sort of confirmation, which Ashton grants him in the form of a tiny nod. “Okay,” Calum says. “Okay. What I meant by it was that… well, it was a lie, actually, because I hadn’t been ahead for several months when I finally grew the balls to call it quits. I should have done it long before I did, because I was too far in, I was too-” He cuts himself off and squeezes his eyes closed, and doesn’t open them when he says, so quickly Ashton barely catches the words, “I was too much in love with you, and telling you that I was out was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and it would have been so much easier if I’d done it sooner.”

Ashton’s heart is threatening to break his ribs, but he pays it no mind. All he can focus on is the shaking person in front of him who just confessed to being in love with him. “In… in love,” is all he manages to get out in the end.

“Yeah,” Calum says as he opens his eyes. Ashton’s heart clenches when he notices how blank Calum’s eyes have become. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did at some point, and I’m sorry to have put you in that position. Like I said, I should have ended it while I was still ahead, but I just- I _couldn’t_ , and I talked to Michael about it, and I tried to talk to you about it, tried to figure out if there was any chance you were on the same page, but you never seemed to take the hint and I was too much of a coward to ask you directly and I-”

“I wasn’t,” Ashton cuts in hoarsely. “I wasn’t on… on the same page. At all. I liked the sex, but that was it.”

Calum stills completely for a second as he takes in the words. Then his face crumples and it’s by far the most awful sight Ashton has ever seen. A single tear rolls down Calum’s cheek, and he lets out a broken excuse of a laugh. “It was… really good sex, so I can’t blame you,” he whispers. “By far the best I’ve ever had. I… I’m really sorry, then. I’ve been trying to get over it and it was almost starting to work when I was seeing Oliver, but- now it’s all fucked up again and… shit, I should go. I have to get home.” He scrambles to his feet, and it’s not until he’s walked halfway across the living room that Ashton’s brain kicks into gear.

“No, no, no, don’t leave,” he says as he catches up with Calum. Grabbing a hold of his elbow to spin him around, he pulls Calum in for a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders.

Calum doesn’t react at first, remaining stiff as a board in Ashton’s arms. But then he goes limp and pulls Ashton in closer by the waist, and though he doesn’t make a sound, Ashton can tell when he starts crying. He’s shaking with it, and his tears are hot against Ashton’s naked shoulder.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” Calum says after a while, when the shaking has subsided. “I never meant for it to go as far as it did, I never meant to actually fall for you, but we- Jesus Christ, we had so much sex and we talked so much and you told me all these things about yourself that no one else knows and I just- I thought for a while that it was a mutual feeling, but-”

“But it wasn’t,” Ashton says, placing a soft kiss on Calum’s neck. “Or, I didn’t think it was. I never… I never gave it any thought, I was just happy with what we had, because- I don’t know. It felt good and being with you was safe and comfortable and- yeah, hot. Really hot. And it made me happy. _You_ made me happy, I just… I guess I didn’t realise it until I didn’t have you in my life in that way anymore. Or at all, since last month.”

Calum lifts his head and pulls back a little, just far enough to be able to look Ashton in the eyes without going cross eyed. He doesn’t relinquish his hold around Ashton, though. “You... “ He trails off, brows drawn tight. “What?”

Lifting his hand to comb through Calum’s hair, Ashton offers a shaky smile. “I’ve been… really fucking lonely since we broke it off,” he starts, “and I considered following your example and just start dating, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. And I think- no, I _know_ that it’s because the loneliness I felt didn’t come from not having _someone_ , but from-” He stops, swallows, steels himself, then: “From not having _you_.”

Calum’s staring, unmoving, unblinking. He opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a gurgling sound. He tries again, and this time, he manages a weak, “Huh?”

“I miss you, Cal,” Ashton mumbles. 

“You… huh?”

“I miss you. I miss fucking you, I miss waking up next to you, I miss holding you, I miss talking to you, I-”

“No, no, no, don’t do this to me,” Calum whispers, shaking his head frantically. “Don’t ask me to go back to being your fuck buddy, I can’t-”

“I’m not, I’m not,” Ashton says. “I want- I want more, okay? I don’t know how to do it and I might make a shit boyfriend and it could tear the band apart if I am, but I wanna give it a go and if-”

He doesn’t get any further before he’s cut off by a bruising kiss that steals away all the air in his lungs. As he kisses Calum back, something inside him ascends, and it feels like every restless moment, every lonely night, every confusing thought he’s had over the last three months evaporates. The kiss, which started out hard and desperate, becomes wet and filthy quickly, and when Calum breaks it and whispers, “Bed, now, please, please, please,” Ashton doesn’t waste another moment before he grabs Calum’s hand and pulls him in direction of the bedroom.

While they’re naked and on the bed in a matter of minutes, Ashton slows down when he’s settled between Calum’s legs. He looks down, smiles at the beautiful mixture of happiness, relief, wonder and pleasure that’s displayed on Calum’s face, and cups his jaw before leaning back down to connect their lips. He takes his time opening Calum up, alternates between focusing all his attention on what his hand’s doing, and on the blissed out faces Calum’s making. 

When he finally rolls a condom on himself and pushes into the soft, tight heat that he knows so well, he immediately drops his head to Calum’s shoulder and takes a deep breath before mumbling, “So good, so fucking good, missed you so much, baby…”

Calum lets out a quiet, whimpering sob at the praise, and he rolls his hips upwards, quietly urging Ashton to move.

They fuck like that, pressed together from head to toe, hands scrambling to touch every inch of each other that they can reach. It’s slow and intense, but it’s also hard and needy from having gone too long without touching each other. Ashton keeps his thrusts deep, sliding out slowly, before pushing back in hard, and Calum’s nails dig into the skin on his back until Ashton’s sure he’s gonna be full of nail marks come tomorrow.

Calum comes first, with his neck exposed for Ashton to bite at, and a series of breathless cries of, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I love you, I love you”. The feeling of Calum clenching around him pushes Ashton over the edge, and he bites down hard on Calum’s shoulder, moaning loudly as he does, reveling in the white-hot pleasure that courses through his entire body.

Ashton has no idea how long it’s been by the time he pulls out of Calum, rolls over on his back, removes and ties the condom and tosses it on the floor. He’ll deal with the nastiness of it tomorrow.

“Proper romantic you are,” he murmurs as he holds his arms open invitingly. “Telling me you love me for the first time when you’re mid-orgasm.”

Calum laughs as he shifts around until his head’s resting on Ashton’s chest. “I told you earlier, too.”

“No, you said you were _in_ love with me, it’s not quite the same.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, at least you know now, either way.”

“Hm, that I do,” Ashton hums as he folds his arms loosely around Calum’s sweaty, cum-smeared upper body. “Give me some time to get there, yeah? I’m right behind you, just… not quite yet.”

“It’s okay,” Calum says, and Ashton can hear the smile on his face. “I’ve had over a year to mull this over, I don’t expect you to be right next to me just like that.”

“Right _behind_ you, though,” Ashton says, kissing Calum’s forehead. “Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t,” Calum murmurs. “So… boyfriend, huh? Did you mean that?”

“No, it was just a trick to get you in bed,” Ashton snorts. “Of course I meant it. I also meant what I said about me potentially being shit at it, though. I haven’t… I mean, I haven’t been in an actual relationship since high school, and I have a feeling this is gonna be different.”

“Different from a high school romance? I hope so.”

“We don’t even have to sneak around our parents to get laid. How great is that?”

Calum buries his face in Ashton’s chest, muffling a laugh. “It’s alright.”

“Hm. So… can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Did Michael and Luke know about… all of this shit you went through?”

“Michael knew almost everything, I think. He tried getting me to break it off with you for ages before I finally took his advice to heart,” Calum says as he starts drawing mindless patterns against Ashton’s stomach. “Luke… he knew I wasn’t entirely happy, but he didn’t know the specifics. I don’t know if he had any idea what the actual problem was, to be honest.”

“He came to me, you know, a little while after the tour ended,” Ashton says. “Said he’d been to see you and that you seemed off.”

“Yeah, I remember, and then you called me right after he left.”

“And you said everything was okay.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Calum asks. “‘ _Oh, hey, Ash, thanks for calling! No, to be honest, my heart’s broken and it’s because of you’_?”

“Would’ve saved us both some heartache if you did.”

“I know, but… Jesus Christ,” Calum says, sighing. “I’ve never been one to shy away from my feelings or whatever it is they call it, but it’s different when it’s one of your best friends, who you also happen to be in a band with, you know? If it went to complete and utter shit, the fall would crush me, it’d fuck up everything between us and it’d fuck up the band. I was scared.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Ashton says. “If I’d bothered paying a little more attention to my own feelings, we’d might have gotten here sooner, but-”

“Hey, nothing can be done about that now,” Calum cuts in. “So let’s just focus on the present, yeah?”

Smiling, Ashton puts two fingers under Calum’s chin and tilts his head up to press their lips together. “Sounds good,” he murmurs when they pull apart.

Calum smiles through heavy eyelids, laying his head back on Ashton’s chest. “I’m tired,” he says. “Was a long day.”

“Long month, more like.”

“Hm.” As he gets back to tracing patterns on Ashton’s body, Calum asks, a little hesitantly, “You… I mean, you do want me to spend the night, right?”

Ashton shrugs. “Not really, no.” When Calum stiffens in his arms, he immediately regrets the ill-considered attempt at a joke, and pulls him closer. “Sorry, bad timing. Of course I want you to stay. Tonight, tomorrow night, the rest of the week, the rest of the month, the-”

“I only have the clothes I came here in, you know.”

“Cool, you can walk around naked, then.”

“Uh-huh, and when I get frostbite on my junk?”

“I’ll kiss it better.”

Calum laughs. It’s a quiet, sleepy sound that might be the loveliest one Ashton has ever heard.

****

**°。°。°。°。°。°February 28th 2019°。°。゜。°。°。°**

Ashton’s had many a unpleasant awakening in his life, but to be whacked in the face with something soft, yet still solid, at fuck o’clock in the morning might reach the top of the list. Annoyed and tired, he opens his eyes, ready to yell at whatever or whoever was responsible.

Michael is standing next to the bed, a throw pillow from the couch in his hand. “You two _suck_ ,” he says, and before Ashton can stop him, he’s thrown the pillow at Calum’s head.

Calum stirs. “Huh?” he says into the pillow, bending one leg to the side, enhancing the sway in his lumbar and the swell of his ass. If Michael wasn’t standing there, Ashton would’ve started working on littering it with bite marks.

“Wake up, you fucking- just wake up,” Michael says.

At the sound of Michael’s voice, Calum opens his eyes, meeting Ashton’s gaze for a moment before he rolls over on his side to look at Michael. “I’m naked,” he states, quite unnecessarily. Reaching for the covers, he pulls them over his lower body before he sits up. “So… what’s going on?”

Michael’s eyes all but bulge out of his sockets. “You- I tried calling you all of last night to hear how your date went, but you didn’t pick up! And then I got Luke to try, but you still didn’t pick up, and then we both went over to your house this morning and you weren’t _home_! We thought your date had turned out to be a serial killer or something!”

“Oh,” Calum says, and at least he has the decency to look ashamed. “I didn’t… I didn’t go on that date.”

“Yeah, no fucking shit,” Michael snorts. He opens his mouth again, but before he’s gotten a word out, a shout can be heard from the hallway, and a moment later, Luke is all but running into the room. He stops dead in his tracks at the sight that meets him, and his already wide eyes become round as saucers.

“Good morning,” he says after a beat of silence. Looking at Michael, he adds, “He’s not dead”

Michael rolls his eyes. “Looks like _someone_ tried to take a bite of his neck, though.”

Ashton groans. “Okay, Calum’s not dead or in any way injured or unhappy or- well, nothing bad has befallen him, so can everyone that I’m not sleeping with _please_ leave my bedroom. Preferably my house.”

“Not until you tell me what the _fuck_ you both think you’re doing,” Michael snaps. “Need I remind you of how miserable you’ve both been lately? I’m not going through all of that again just because you can’t take your dicks and put them inside someone outside the band, and I don’t-”

“We talked, Michael!” Calum says loudly, effectively silencing Michael. Luke is chewing nervously on his lip, eyes darting back and forth between the other three. “We- I came over here last night and… we talked, and we’re gonna give this a proper go. Okay?”

“A proper go,” Luke repeats. “Like… dating?”

“Yeah, like dating,” Ashton says. “Don’t worry, if it goes to shit the band’s gonna be fine, so we don’t need you to give us that whole lecture again.”

Luke nods slowly, but Michael keeps eyeing them with poorly disguised scepticism. More specifically, he’s eyeing _Ashton_ with poorly disguised scepticism. “You talked,” he says. “About everything?”

“Yeah,” Ashton says.

“You know how miserable he’s been over the last year?”

“Yeah.”

“You know you broke his heart?”

“Yeah.”

“You know-”

“I don’t need you to stand there and defend me or protect me or whatever it is you’re doing, Michael,” Calum says. “Let me deal with this myself. I don’t want you butting in.”

Michael closes his eyes for a moment. “We’re not done talking about this, but… okay. I’ll leave it for now.” Moving towards the door, he gives Luke’s shoulder a light shove, and says, “We’ll be in the kitchen.”

“What? Why?” Ashton asks. 

“You’re making us breakfast,” Luke says, and then they’re gone.

Calum lies back down. “Not exactly how I imagined them finding out,” he says.

“Saved us the trouble of having to think of a good way to tell them, though,” Ashton reasons. Stretching his arms over his head, making his back crack loudly, he lets out a noise of contentment before lolling his head to the side to look at Calum. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Calum says. “I missed this.”

“Yeah. Me, too,” Ashton says. He leans in to kiss Calum, and it’s slow and gentle, and over way too soon. “Don’t think they’re gonna give us enough time to do anything more.”

“So? Let them barge in while I’m blowing you, maybe they’ll leave us be for the rest of the day.”

Ashton laughs, but doesn’t bother arguing.

And the thing is, Luke does come barging in when Calum’s got his mouth full of Ashton’s cock. His yells about being close to starving to death morphs into shrieks of despair and a shout of, “Michael! We’re leaving! I’m blind, so you have to drive!” and Calum pulls off Ashton just long enough to grin up at him.

They’ll deal with Luke’s trauma and Michael’s distrust later. Right now, all Ashton wants is to keep Calum close, and hopefully he’ll never have to let go.


End file.
